


Nick Fury is Talking!

by AwkwardBlueKitty



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-30
Updated: 2012-11-07
Packaged: 2017-11-08 20:52:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardBlueKitty/pseuds/AwkwardBlueKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random conversations Nick Fury has during meetings with the Avengers, mostly it's him scowling them for their behavior (and getting massive headahces too, complements of Tony and Clint). This man needs a vacation...or a hug, perhaps a gold medal or a therapist...just something</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Nick Fury, he's awesome!

“I honestly didn’t think it was possible to get a headache from just seeing someone’s face but thanks to you, Stark, I know it’s fucking possible now” Fury rubs his forehead, clearly annoyed with the smirking billionaire who decides to sit right next to him.

******************

“Tell me again why I have to sit here, and listen to all of you bitch?”

“We’re not bitching.”

“Tell me again why I have to sit here, and listen to all of you bitch, as well as, denying the fact that you’re all bitching?” Fury says while giving them all a flat stare.

******************

“I can’t wait for your parents to come home so I can be relieved of my babysitting duties. Oh wait, I’m not a fucking babysitter, so quit acting like children” Fury sarcastically says, glaring at each of them except for Steve who’s like a babysitter’s dream come true.

******************

“Whose idea was it to leave a purple hat, with pink feathers on top, on my desk?” When no one says anything, Fury snorts and continues “That’s a damn shame because I was going to thank whoever did it. It goes well with the purple pants someone left on my desk a week ago and the purple leopard coat three days ago. Can I expect a pimp stick to go with my newly acquired wardrobe in my near future? Because I got to admit, I love the idea of being able to use it to put all of you in line!”

******************

“Stark, if you don’t shut up and listen to me, I will sit on Rogers’ lap and continue on with the meeting from there. Do you want me to do that because I will” Fury asks and is happy when Tony doesn’t utter a single word for the remainder of the meeting. He reminds himself to send Steve a fruit basket later for disturbing him.

*****************************

“Just because it’s Halloween, doesn’t mean you can break the dress code or debauch my one good eye” Fury tries his best to stay calm.

“I’m Sailor Mars!” Tony shouts while Clint cries out “And I’m Sailor Venus!” They both pose which makes Fury’s eye twitch.

“More like Sailor Dumbass and Sailor Idiot. Please go put on some damn clothes before I decide to dress up as Queen Beryl and kick your asses.”

*****************************

The battles over and they’ve won. Looking around, Fury notices something. “Hey, Cap, do you need some condoms and lube over there? Because I feel like you’re going to need them with the way everyone is leering at you” Fury says dryly, making everyone look away from their blushing half-naked leader (thanks to the enemy). Well, everyone expect for Tony who’s whispering ‘say yes’ to Steve.

****************************

Sighing, Fury irritably says “it’s hard for me to continue on with this meeting when I have a bunch of school girls giggling here. Last time I checked, I don’t run a school here.”

****************************

“I want all of you to know Steve Rogers is my favorite because he actually behaves and believes in rules. With that being said, stop picking on him because I will get medieval on your asses” Fury threatens and adds “or send Agent Coulson after you.”

“You should probably send me in first, sir, before going in yourself.”

“You may have a good point there.”  

***************************

“Children, please behave before I go batshit crazy here.”


	2. ch 2

“This meeting is over. By the way, who left a pair of Captain America pajamas on my desk? I’ll have you all know Coulson saw them, and since I’m not giving him mine, go buy him a pair.” In the background, both Steve and Coulson blush.

Grunting, Tony complains “I don’t know how I feel about you wearing my boyfriend’s face at night.”

“Too bad, I’m wearing them” Fury smirks at the other man’s pain face.

************************

“No, Tony, I do not want some damn Doritos. Can we get on with this meeting? And no, Clint, I don’t want Cool Ranch Doritos either, don’t bother asking me.”

************************

“Before we leave today’s meeting, I want you all to know I baked some cupcakes.”

Everyone openly stares at Fury and its Steve who asks the obvious question because he’s the only one who can, “You bake, Nick?”

“Yes I do, Cap. Don’t look all surprise, people. I do have hobbies outside of S.H.I.E.L.D. so shut up and enjoy your damn cupcakes.” Fury smiles when he sees Steve, Thor, and Bruce walking over to the table in the back to get a cupcake. He rolls his eyes when he notices Clint and Tony’s suspicious looks. If they don’t want to eat his cupcakes then fine. Idiots don’t know what they’re missing out on.

************************

“And this pretty much covers up this meeting. Hopefully for the next meeting, I’ll have my pimp stick someone has yet to leave behind on my desk.”

************************

“I feel like I should give all of you a gold star for paying attention and for sitting on your asses throughout the meeting. However, I don’t have any.”

“Then go buy some! Who, here, wouldn’t want a gold star?” Tony raises his hand. “Rise up your hand if you think Fury should go buy some gold stars?” Unfortunately for Tony, he’s the only one who raises his hand although both Thor and Clint look like they want to.

“…and you were doing so well, Stark…”

************************

“Boys and girl, shut up and behave.”

*************************

“You want me to…taste the rainbow? What the hell…? Just shut up and sit down. Wait, you know what? All of you are dismiss. I can only handle you guys for so long” Fury says. He then turns around and walks out of the meeting room mumbling something about needing Advil.

Looking around the table, Clint innocently says “I was just offering him some Skittles…”

**********************

“After this meeting is over, all of you are to report to that Sexual Harassment class.”

“Let’s be real here, the only one who needs to take that class is Steve.”

“It’s more than just learning how to fill out Sexual Harassment forums, Clint. I want you and Tony both sitting in the front and don’t dare ask me why.”

“What? But Steve doesn’t mind my wandering hands!”

“Shut up and attend, Stark.”

**********************

“I’m getting really tired of people leaving shit on my desk. Stop doing it or so help me I’ll put my boot up your sorry ass” Fury gives everyone a _look_  before pulling out a bottle from his trench coat and tossing it to the table. “And by the way, I don’t need this shit.”

Looking at the bottle, Thor reads “Rogaine? What is this?”

Tony and Clint both laugh, Natasha snickers, Steve nervously looks away, and Bruce tentatively says “Something you don’t have to worry about, Thor, and let’s leave it at that.”

**********************

“I’m going on vacation for three days. During those three days, I do not want to receive a phone call from your babysitter saying he’s gone batshit crazy, understood? Don’t make me come back home. Everyone is dismissed.”


	3. Chapter 3

“I’ve been informed Loki is now living in the Avenger’s Tower. Is this information correct?” Fury asks.

He cautiously eyes the blond god who cheerfully answers “Aye, my brother is residing with us because I wish for my beloved to be near me.” Fury raises an eyebrow and looks at everyone around the table.

“Yeah, what can we say other than the heart wants what the heart wants” Tony shrugs his shoulders. It’s not like those two are blood related.

“Well thank you, Thor, for being honest about it. Can I be reassured that Loki won’t be a problem?” this time, Fury eyes the leader of the group.

Steve nods his head and calmly says “Don’t worry, sir. Loki has no desire to take over our world again. If anything, he wishes to help.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah but it’s only because Loki has a crush on Cap here and wants to behave for him!” Clint hollers out loud. He curses when someone kicks him underneath the table. “What?! It’s true!”

Fury notices Steve’s light blush, Tony’s annoyed look, Natasha’s amused expression, Bruce’s nervous stare, and Thor’s…. “You don’t seem to mind, Thor.”

“I don’t have any qualms about Loki and his ‘crush’. I know I have his love and I believe Steven is a good influence on my brother. All is well.”

Sighing heavily, Fury mumbles “I knew I shouldn’t have come back from my vacation.”

*************

 “Why is there a picture of a donkey on the wall?” Fury questions because he seriously wants to know.

“We need it to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey, of course!” as Tony shouts this, Steve sends a very apologetic look towards Fury’s direction.

As if talking to a child, Fury slowly asks “And why do you feel the need to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?”

“Don’t you know what today is?”

“I’m aware it’s my birthday today, Clint, if that’s what you’re aiming for.”

“Oh wow, I’m surprise you remembered! And here I was worried about you getting all senile on us.”

“You should worry about yourself, Mr. Stark. You have more grays then me.”

“Ooh, burn! Need some ice cream for that, Tony, because we got some” Clint laughs and dodges the donkey’s tail thrown at him.

“I don’t have gray hairs and you’re bald!” Everyone laughs, even Fury, at Tony’s outburst. The rest of meeting is spent eating ice cream cake that has Fury’s picture on it, Bruce explaining Pin the Tail on the Donkey to Thor again, Thor not understanding Midgard traditions, Steve comforting Tony, Tony trying to get into Steve’s pants to ‘prove’ he’s still young _there_ , Natasha pining the tail on Donkey perfectly every time, and Clint complaining the game is rigged because he keeps missing. All in all, Fury has a pleasant birthday until he asks “why this game though?”

“Because someone as old as you can appreciate this game best” Tony shouts across the room, where he’s giving Steve very suggestive looks while holding the blindfold. Fury wants to point out he’s not the oldest one in the group but decides against it. He doesn’t want to get headache on his birthday which he’s pretty sure that’s what Tony’s gift is.

*************

“Do I even want to know?” the meeting hasn’t even started and Fury already wants Advil.

Nervously chuckling, Bruce says “Loki heard about Clint, um, talking about his ‘crush’ on Steve and decided to color Clint’s hair, well, like that.” He points to Clint’s bright purple hair. If you ask him, he’ll say Clint actually rocking the hair quite nicely.

“I can’t believe you sold me out, Thor!”

“I do not understand, my friend. Why would I sell you?”

Before anyone can tell Thor anything, Fury raises his hand. “That’s enough, children. I would like to get this meeting over with but I first have to start it. So let’s start, I want to talk about today’s battle, which by the way, I’m starting to think you guys enjoy embarrassing me. What did I say about groping someone during battle and buying pretzels afterwards, huh?” Fury doesn’t even wait for an answer, “You do that on your own time and preferably behind closed doors.”

“You can’t buy pretzels behind closed doors.”

“Shut up, Stark. Do you know how many pictures there are of you groping Captain America out on the battlefield _today_ alone?”

“Well, there should be seventeen. Eighteen if you want to count when I pinched his ass. And in my defense, Clint’s hair is purple. Like really, really purple.”  

“What the hell, man? Don’t go blaming the color of my hair for your perverseness. Blame that on Steve’s ass. I mean look at i-oh shit, Fury’s eye is twitching!”

Everyone quickly turns to stare at Fury who calmly says “Everyone is dismissed. I expect all of you to turn in your reports by the end of day. If you do not turn in your report, I will personally stand right next to you until you do. And when I say stand right next to you, I literately mean right next to you. Now get out of my face.” Needless to say, everyone turned in their report on time that day.

*************

“I swear after every meeting, my sanity goes lower and lower each time” Fury utters tiredly.

“Then stop having these meetings” a helpful Tony suggests.

“Nice try but no" sigh "I knew I should have become a Kindergarten teacher, at least I would have kept my sanity a little longer with those kids."


	4. chapter 4

“Can someone please example to me why there is a fucking cow made out of cheese, who is apparently missing its damn ass, on _my_ chair? I just barely walked into this meeting and already have a level 15 headache. You childr-is that a fucking cheese eye patch on tha-” Fury has to stop himself so he can take a very, very deep breath. After a moment of calming down, he glances around the table. He sees a nervous Bruce, Thor eating _something_ , a bored Natasha, a guilty Steve, a fucking smirking Tony, and a too proud Clint. No. He refuses to let those two idiots win.

“You know what? I was thinking of making lasagna, I have two recipes I want to try out. Betsy, over here, looks about right.” Touching the cheese cow, Fury nods his head slowly. “Yeah, I think I can actually use Betsy here. Good.” Out of the corner of his good eye, he sees Stark and Barton’s shock faces. “Of course, that’s too much lasagna for one person to eat, so I’m inviting you lucky fuckers over for dinner tomorrow at exactly 7:00 pm.”

Of course the first person to speak out is Steve, “That sounds wonderful! Do you need any help? I’m pretty good around the kitchen, Nick.” When Steve calls the older man by his first name, he doesn’t notice his boyfriend’s horrified face but Fury notices it and plays off it.

“Why, thank you, Steve. I would very much appreciate your help. So, I’ll see you two around five then or is it just going to be you and me, Steve?” Fury sends a smirk in Tony’s direction.

“OKAY! Fine! I did the stupid cheese cow! So stop punishing me already!” Tony screams out. Next to him, Steve blinks and places a gentle hand on Tony’s arm. “What are you talking about, Tony? How is Ni-” before Steve can even finish his word, let alone his sentence, Tony quickly moves to cover Steve’s mouth with his hands.

“Don’t say his name! If you say his name, like, three times or something, something bad is going to happen” Tony yells out. While Tony is having a semi mental breakdown with Steve at his side, Fury turns his attention towards Clint, who’s sinking further into his chair.

“Oh, don’t worry, Clint, I’ll be sure to add more spinach to your lasagna. Dark greens are healthy for you after all, and you do value your health, right?” Fury’s stare makes Clint want to hide underneath Betsy the cheese cow. Both Bruce and Natasha sit there quietly, looking forward to lasagna because it’s actually been awhile for them both.

“Ah, if that is the case, man of Fury, may you add more of this spinach to my lasagna as well?” Thor asks while across the table, Clint is giving the blond god ‘are you fucking crazy’ look. Clint does not understand how anyone could want more spinach. He really doesn’t. More lasagna? Yes, please. More spinach? Fuck no, please.

For once, Fury leaves the boardroom with a smirk on his face and a cheese cow nicely tucked under his arm, instead of a mass headache. “Hmm, maybe this day won’t be so shitty after all.”

**********************

“Okay, this meeting is over. By the way, Tony, please reframe from giving Rogers a hickey where everyone can see. I don’t need to be reminded of the fact Steve has yet to wake up and use his common sense.”

“Well, tell everyone to quit eyeing my boyfriend, than maybe I won’t feel the need to mark him.”

“Maybe they’re just staring at the big ass hickey on his Adam’s apple.”

“Oh yeah, and that’s why they leer at his perfect ass too.”

“To-tony!”

“What, babe? You know it’s true, and there’s no way they know about the hickeys _there_.”

“That’s enough! Everyone out! I don’t need this shit now” Fury stalks out of the conference room mumbling ‘fucking Stark’ under his breath.

*************************

Sighing, Fury asks “So Loki, I’ve been told you will be cooperating with the Avengers from now on. Is this true? Are you going to behave and help out?”

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.”

Fury doesn’t know whether to take two Advil or throw the damn bottle at Loki’s smirking dumb face. Bad enough both Steve and Thor are vouching for the crazy lunatic. He can’t afford to lose either of the blond men seeing as one’s a god and the other is a living legend and the public absolutely adores him, even after the fact they found out he’s dating Tony Stark. The public will shit bricks for centuries if he loses Steve or pisses him off to the point Steve decides to quit the Avengers.

Then again, if Steve is vouching for Loki, and knowing Steve doesn’t sprout out bullshit like his boyfriend, means Steve trusts Loki enough to help aid the Avengers. Lord only knows how much Steve loves his teammates. “Maybe my ass or maybe it’s going to be your ass if you screw up. Fine, just don’t make me doubt Steve and his decision which is the only reason why I’m allowing this.”

Fury doesn’t miss the look of his discomfort he sees on Loki’s face when he mentioned Steve and doubting the man to him. Maybe Clint wasn’t joking about Loki having a ‘crush’ on Steve. Hopefully the pain-in-the-ass trickster will behave under Steve’s guidance. He really does love Steve’s ‘guilt trip’ superpowers. “Is there any more news you children would like to spring on me, probably leading me to have a fatally headache?”

“Hmm, I found out recently I don’t like blueberry cream cheese on my bagel” Clint oh-so-innocently offers.

Grasping in mock horror, Tony says “How dare you! That shit is the bomb!”

Making a disgusted face, Clint goes “Eww! You mean the bomb that tastes like shit, right?”

While these two argue over who’s dumber, Fury contemplates banging his head against the shiny table. “And you’re worried about my behavior, hmm?” an amuse voice says. Looking in Loki’s direction, Fury smirks and says “Well, at least I ain’t living with them.” Looking around the table this time, Fury declares, “Okay, everyone is dismiss because I don’t want to torment you all with dumbass one and dumbass two antics.” Then as an afterthought, Fury adds “And don’t dare ask me who I consider one and two to be. Both of you are dumbasses. Now leave.” Fury ignores Loki’s ‘Is he always like this?’ question as he walks out.

 ************************

“Hey, Fury, do you like lol cats?”

“I like my boot up your ass, Stark.”

“Wow, you really into some kinky shit! However, I’m going to have to decline because I’m already taken. What can I say? I love my Stevie.”

“Yeah, and if you don’t fucking behave, I’ll send your ‘Stevie’ on a month long mission where you’re not allowed to tag along.” Tony desperately wants to snort at that but he knows Fury’s not joking around. The cruel man has done it before, depriving him of his Steve.

Fury ignores Tony’s sulking glare and continues on with the meeting without any more interruptions.  


End file.
